the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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