guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so let's talk penis.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
