so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
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Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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