Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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