i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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