I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize