1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
