I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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