You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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