i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
