Capitaan dildo arrescate!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
