If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
