I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she peed on how many people?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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