Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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