cat food counts as protein by the way
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
