I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
