Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
