I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hippo gnu deer
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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