i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
