If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
