I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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