Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
