Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
