I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
