Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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