I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I need to align my fucking chakras
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
