my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
