All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
