I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
As shirtless as possible
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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