Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
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I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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