my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
