my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
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