you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
