I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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