Umm I'm too high to move.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
