Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
