I just saw a hot homeless man
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We're too hungover to prance.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
