I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
