What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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