if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
