Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
