my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
