i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
