okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
