just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i think my cat just said my name.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
