Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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