I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
