Don't make out with my wife yet
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.