my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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