Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder