Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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