Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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