so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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