not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
