Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
