I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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