All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My life is pants optional.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
