I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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