so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
