I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
